I never thought that through this cool-off thing I'd be missing him more. Paranoia's all over me. This annoying feeling I can't seem to get rid of. The "I see-him-everywhere" and the "everything-reminds-me-of-him" feeling freaks me out that sometimes I think I'm going nuts. I used to think I've trained my mind to be impervious to something like this. Maybe I really was in love that I fear so much the thought of being alone yet again.
Sleeping was as hard as waking up to a reality without him. It's the worst case of heart shattering I've ever had. Someone who you thought was man enough to take you seriously wasn't at all. My world fell apart. And I'm having thoughts of not loving ever again.
Last night I had this dream of me marrying him. Even my dreams seem insensitive to my present case. And with that I had to wake up crying again. That dream was happy but dreams are dreams. No matter how happy that dream was, reality will always bite me back into a realm of bitter truths I had to live with. Being so optimistic can be scary sometimes that there I were moments I wanted him back, I daydream of him coming home to me. It's terrifying how my mind plays tricks on me to make me realize he doesn't love me anymore, he doesn't give a damn, and he loves her more and that I was only a decoy.
Being broken hearted could be sort of my thing. The last second I thought I finally got my luck in relationships, something came up. Something always comes up. Like that sober night I texted him I love you despite my pride strangling me, begging me not to. His reply shot me like a final bullet enough to stop my heart beating.
That bitch, that asshole. I can't swear profanities any more than what they may deserve and it certainly won't help me get throught this fucked up situation. But who can blame them if they really love each other? Once again I'm that miserable anonymous other girl who's got no choice but to move on. I can't blame them for my misery. I can't blame myself for losing this game. I guess this is how destiny works.
No amount of booze can dilate my vessels enough to help me sleep through this hurt. But life goes on. I'll get over him. Just the way I got over my other heart breakers. For seven days I'll cry a river, the next seven days I'll build a bridge. By that time the bridge is done, I'll get over it. Seven days of lonely. Every broken-hearted person goes through it. The critical seven days where denial, bargaining, anger and depression are at its worst. The grieving process is inevitable but to think that it leads nowhere but in Acceptance, letting go could be worth the wait.
Share this post
